5.29.12

I haven't blogged in forever so time for a little catch up!!


Last month we were able to go home again for my sister Kate's wedding, it was so great to be home even though it was only a 5 day crazy trip! Growing up I always wanted to move away and go some place warm, I always said I would. Well I have, even though this is some place warm, it is a very ugly place, I would have chosen Florida. However, weather is only a minor factor in happiness, moving away I realized family is the number one thing in life.


Every family goes through their ups and downs, but at the end of the day they are the ones who you can and want to rely on. When I'm home I'm so happy, I love that I have a big huge crazy family, now that I'm older I can finally hang out with my older siblings and not be that annoying little sister, we are friends now, and I can't wait to be home and see them all more often. Every month in my family there is at least one get together, between a holiday, someones birthday, cookouts, celebrations etc. and I am so sick of missing out, but I am so happy to know we are in the "home stretch" so this year was the last Memorial Day cookout I will miss...etc...


May has turned out to be a great month as well. We finally traded in our car for Jeep Grand Cherokee, so happy with that decision, no more struggling with trying to fit everything in our little car. I think the breaking point was the ride home from the airport, where our luggage was piled up in the front seat, and trunk, I was in the back with Cam with my feet up on the seat because they couldn't fit on the floor, yah that was a fun hour and a half car ride!!! 


May 6th also marked 2 years since our sweet baby girl went to heaven. It's hard to believe it's been that long, there are days it feels like it was just yesterday, and then there are days when I think to myself did that really happen? Eric and I have come such a long way since then, we went from being at complete rock bottom, to now feeling the most love we have ever felt. This year we chose to be happy, and celebrate the life she lived, and lives in heaven, I thank her for the many blessings we have received and will continue to receive. 


We decided to go to Sea World, and smile and laugh rather than sit home and dwell. I'm not going to lie of course I was sad, of course I cried that morning when I woke up, I wouldn't be human if I did. But 2 years later, if I cried all day, and laid in bed and wallowed, I wouldn't  be healthy, not for myself, and certainly not for Cameron. There comes a point when grief has to be put in it's place, it doesn't mean you forget, because you never do, it means your life has to move forward. I am so proud I have been able to do this on my own, of course with the help of Eric and Cameron, but grief is a personal thing, and I am proud to stand here strong today knowing I helped myself get to this point. 


Mother's day was also great this year, thank you to everyone for all the love it was so sweet, and I'm SO glad no one said "Happy 1st Mother's day" I was so worried someone would slip and say that, what a dagger that would have been! My boys treated me very well that day and it was amazing to wake up and snuggle and kiss my baby, I can't wait until next  year when he can say I love you to me on that day!! 


Last week Eric signed his NARSUM which is pretty much the whole summary for his Med Board, that is one of the big steps in the process, just a few more steps and we are out!!!!!! No official date yet, just hearsay but we are down to a few months if not less! Texas has been an experience, good, bad and indifferent. Not everyone is cut out for the military life, I think if I wasn't close with my family or if I had fair weather friends it would be easy to move away. Thankfully that is not the case, and before I know it I will be back home and back to my real life!!!!

3.2.12

Well, I'm slacking, this is my first blog of 2012 so HAPPY NEW YEAR :) So far this year has been off to a great start. We were originally hoping to go home for a visit in January but everything was still all crazy in Eric's unit since the guys just got back from Iraq. Then one day Eric called me from work and told me they were all going on block leave in February so we could go home if we wanted to. I was so excited!!

It has been so hard being out here in Texas and having none of our family, such a joyous time in our lives and while at times it's nice to be selfish and keep Cameron all to ourselves, it stinks that it took so long for him to meet everyone. We decided to keep our trip home a complete surprise, except to his Dad because that's where we would be staying. Showing up on my mom's doorstep was one of the funniest moments ever!

She thought we wouldn't be home until April for my sister's wedding and everyday would message me saying 70 something days and I would just giggle and tell her before she knew it she would be holding Cam. She freaked out so bad when she saw us just standing on the front steps it was great, exactly what I had hoped for! We were able to be home for about 2 weeks and had a great time.

I had such a great time though visiting with family and friends, it makes you realize what life is really about. I loved all the help I got with Cameron as well! He even did two sleepovers alone with his Nannie (Eric's mom) that was HUGE for me, we have never been apart, I will admit the second sleepover I was missing him really bad, and was so tempted to go sleepover as well, but I didn't a little space is good, especially for Eric and I, we haven't had that since he was born. It was so nice just to be around everyone, and seeing Cam with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, I wasn't sure how he was going to do because that is very overwhelming for a baby. I am proud to say my little man is as close to perfect as they get!...yup this is a mommy brag, but well deserving I think! He can be passed around to anyone and still smiles, rarely ever fusses (I think his longest cry session has been 15 minutes tops in his whole life) he didn't even freak out on the plane. I am so proud to be his mommy, he is the most amazing son I could ever ask for!!

I can't wait until we move back for good, really could be anytime within the year. Eric is getting medically discharged from the Army, stemming from his injury in Jan 11' at JRTC (pre-deployment training) but there's a whole list of things being included in his MEB packet. He goes for his big appointment in April, and from there his packet will be sent out to Washington D.C. for review. Once it gets reviewed we will find out the disability percentage he will be receiving for the rest of his life, and also when he will be getting released. 

The Army has been a great stepping stone in our lives. While I know I could never be a career Army wife, these last few years in many ways has helped us for the current time and is providing us a better future. Eric now can go to school if he chooses, or has a greater opportunity to get a job due to military experience. We will be able to get a VA loan when we decide to buy a house. Lots of doors are open now for us. I also can't wait to move back and get back to work! I love being a stay at home mom because I don't miss anything with him, but I do miss getting all dolled up for work, and I truly do love doing hair.

When we moved here mentally I was just not in a good place to be a stylist, you always have to be on and cheery and also you get so personal with clients. The inevitable "how many kids" question always comes up, and while it is still my most dreaded question, 2 years ago I couldn't answer that without crumbling to pieces. Then once I got pregnant I knew I needed to stay home, this was the thing I had wanted so badly and I just couldn't envision myself missing out on anything. Thankfully when I do move back and get to go back to work, a hairstylist is a great job for a mom, and I will have plenty of people to help watch Cameron, not keen on daycares!

Also, Eric and I together have decided we need to get in shape bad!! With all the medicines he has been on the past year and me being pregnant for just about two years we have lots of fluff to kick to the curb! It always helps to do it with someone though, you can't eat healthy and be around someone who is eating bad! Kate's wedding is 2 months from now, I have a goal of 10lbs I think I can make that happen. Thankfully body wise both of my babies have been very good to me, I've seen some post partum bellies and thank my lucky stars for how I look. 

I mostly blog for my family and friends back home wondering how life is going with me, and I know now from my visit back home it is no longer about Ashley anymore it's all about Cameron, so I'll leave you with some little tidbits about him!!

-4 months old weighs 15.6 lbs and 25.59 inches long

-3-6 and some 6-9 month clothes

-loves to laugh and smile all day, he especially loves his neck kissed (yes just like mocha!)

-sleeping through the night!!!

-eats rice cereal and recently tried avocado for the first time....verdict is still out on if he likes it or not!

-finally got to visit his sister Isabella's grave in February 

-learned how to kick his legs like a nut and make his bouncy chair bounce!

-has discovered that he has feet and they are tasty

-pulls his pacifier out of his mouth and can put it back in

-holds his own bottle 80% of the time, gets lazier when I'm the one feeding him...go figure!

-says mama all the time...for real 

-has also discovered his voice and does nonstop baby babble, squealing and yelling

-rolling over from belly to back and almost from back to belly

12.23.2011

Where has this year gone? Can't believe we are almost in 2012 it's crazy! They say as you get older time goes by so fast and that is oh so true. Yesterday my little boo was 2 months old, that doesn't even seem possible to me. We took him for his checkup and he is doing so well. He was 7lbs at birth and in the 33% and now he weighs 12.9lbs and is in the 89%, he was 20 3/4 in at birth and he is now 23 in and in the 77%, so it looks like we have a big boy! Everyone always says his hands and feet are huge, possible NBA player? Hope so mama has expensive taste ;)


As I reflect upon this year I'm thinking how amazing it turned out to be. We ended our somber 2010 on a high note by spending it in Disney World and enjoying each other. In January of 2011 Eric was gone for the entire month for JRTC (Pre-Deployment Training) he was injured after a week of being there, which has now resulted in permanent nerve damage in his hand. Little did we know it was a blessing in disguise. Like the title of my blog, I am a huge believer in fate. He was injured, and shortly after he returned home we got pregnant. Being so scared for what the future held, he was going to be deployed to Iraq and I was facing having our son without him. Thankfully due to his injury he was non-deployable and was able to experience this entire pregnancy with me, something he missed out on with Isabella.


Cameron is truly the highlight of this year, he has brought so much joy into my life. It's no easy task to be a full time stay at home mom, it can be physically and emotionally draining. Having him has brought back some depression I battled with losing Isabella, a lot of emotions that are hard to suppress, lots of what-ifs and guilt, and just overall sadness that my family will never be together as one. But at the same point, she is always with us and always a part of our life, it was her who protected Cameron. 


Losing a child you take on a new outlook on life, everything becomes that more valuable because you know in a blink of an eye it can all be taken away from you. I spent months after her death being depressed, and when 2011 came around while I still missed her with every fiber of my being I realized I needed to focus on what was good in order to live a happy life. Once I stopped stressing about getting pregnant, and being angry  at what I didn't have, I was then blessed with my little Cam.


The day he was born looking into his eyes I knew all was right in the world. There really aren't enough adjectives for happy to describe how I felt. I spent too long being sad and now that he was here NOTHING was going to stand in the way of my happiness. And that is exactly how I am going to live my life til the day I die. Of course we can't completely avoid stress,sadness and anger. But if you live life being an optimist rather than a pessimist you will live a much fuller and richer life. 


I was looking forward to spending Christmas home with family, unfortunately that wasn't possible this year. We are hoping to be able to get granted leave in January, I know there are so many people dying to meet Cam. Eric and I will be celebrating on Christmas Eve since he will be working 24hrs on Christmas day. I was upset at first, naturally, I had my little moment and now I'm being positive about it. I look at what I have and think life is pretty good; a husband who is my best friend, a beautiful guardian angel, a handsome and healthy son, a perfect little pup, and an amazing family.


"Learn to enjoy every minute of your life, be happy now. Don't wait for something outside yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Live life so completely that when death comes to you like a thief in the night, there will be nothing left for him to steal"


*Merry Christmas and Happy New Year*

Cameron Eric

Well by now everyone is well aware that my beautiful baby boy is here!! As he is napping away I figured it was time for a little update, so here it is!!

On Monday October 17 I got a call in the morning from my doctor saying they decided on my induction date, Saturday the 22nd, I didn't even know what to say, I knew I was getting induced, and I knew it would be soon but the realization that my boy would be here in 5 days I was freaking out (in a happy excited way) Fast forward to Friday the  21st I had my doctors appointment that afternoon for my last checkup where I found out I was still 2cm dilated, good that my body was getting ready but I had hoped to be further along then that.

After leaving the doctors we were running some last minute errands and I started noticing some pretty strong and frequent contractions, being 38 weeks I didn't know if it was the real deal or just those pesky Braxton Hicks. As the day turned to night the contractions were coming between 2-6 minutes, I was trying to breathe through them and just deal with them, again not really thinking I was going into labor or anything. Eric was fast asleep as he had just gotten off his typical 24hr Staff Duty shift, I tried to fall asleep around 9 or so but shortly realized the pain was getting stronger and more frequent. I got up took a hot bath which only dulled the pain, then I got up and cleaned the house, then took a hot shower, I think I just didn't know what to do with myself. 

I sat on the couch with my mother-in-law and we timed the contractions, we both knew it was only a matter of time before we would leave to go to the hospital, Mr. Cameron had decided he was going to come on his own, he didn't need an induction. I had wanted my hair to be nice and straight for delivery, I know it really doesn't matter, but I think the fact that all my pictures with Isabella my hair was up in a bun and for those who know me know 99% of the time my hair is done, I just wanted to look like me in these pics. Eric's mom went to heat up my straightener and was going to do my hair, I  realized as I sat down I was so uncomfortable there was no way I could sit still, it was time to go in, the hell with my hair!

We got to triage of Labor and Delivery somewhere around 11:15-11:30 the two girls who were in charge were awful just awful, beyond rude and annoying, and looked at me like I was lying about my contractions since I was supposed to  be induced in the morning. They stuck me in the triage room and left me in there for over 40 minutes before even getting me hooked up on monitors...real safe, as I could hear them sitting at the desk chatting, I had to stop Eric from going out there to get them. As a laid there and contracted they would come in periodically telling me how busy labor and delivery was and how a doctor would be in at some point, so I just laid there continued breathing through the pain. When the doctor finally came in to check me I was 6cm dilated and I was going to be admitted, I wanted to do the "na-na-na told you so" little song to the nurse because the way they treated me was like I was faking it just trying to get a bed early. 

I was stuck in triage for what seemed like an eternity while they kept telling me they were cleaning up a room for me, finally I think around 2:30 I was wheeled to my delivery room, this point 7cm dilated on no pain meds...NOT by choice, but the nurse forgot to put my order in for the meds, how nice! They got me all set up in the room and at that point I told them I needed my epidural asap forget about the other meds, the contractions were super strong and super painful. After getting my epidural I was excited to maybe get a little rest and to feel better, that feeling quickly faded as I realized the epidural didn't work at all. I have scoliosis which makes it tricky to find the right nerve and I realized she did not find that nerve! In between all of this the nurse we had treated us like crap, and I had a breakdown because this was not the experience I had envisioned. 

My last delivery was obviously traumatic, so I had hoped for this to be the complete opposite, I felt like the care I was given was terrible, we were just pushed aside, everyone from the doctors to the nurses were so mean and not sympathetic to my situation at all. Our nurse wound up passing us off to another nurse, named Ashley who turned out to be really nice. I requested they try the epidural again, I did not want to give birth au natural! The anesthesiologist unhappily came back in and was beyond rude, but guess what the second time actually worked. The Dr. had told me he would be back at 6:15 am to break my water, they said as soon as it broke baby would be out really soon, being my second birth in less then 2yrs. So as I looked at the clock and time going by and by 7am wondering where the hell he went, I again had the feeling of just being pushed aside. 

Shortly two nurses came walking in like a ray of sunshine, so happy and sweet and told us they were the first shift nurses and they would be taking over my delivery. The entire vibe changed, they were the godsend that we needed. They let us know that the doctor who had been taking care of me had gone home, (gee thanks for forgetting about me) but introduced me to my new doctor. Shortly my water broke and before I knew it I was pushing, and at 8:11 am as the sun was rising my healthy, crying and breathing baby boy was laying on my chest. I have never felt emotion like that before, after losing Isabella to be able to hold my child and look into their eyes and feel their heart beating away, I can't even put into words what that felt like. The whole room was in tears even the nurses, but this time they were happy tears, it was truly the amazing experience I had dreamed about. I'm so thankful that I had that team of nurses/doctor for that moment, they were definitely sent by my angel. 

I have had a really great recovery from delivery, really no pain at all, another blessing from my angel. Cameron is an amazing baby, the love I have for him is a love I have never felt in my life. Of course I felt that love when I got to hold Isabella, the love you have for your children is unlike any other, but my love for her always is mixed with heartache, and with Cameron he fills some of that hole in my heart. It feels so good to feel happy again, truly happy it has been too long. There are still some moments that are tough, thankfully my friends who have been through loss as well had warned me of some of the feelings that come up when you do have a living child, so I knew semi what to expect. But overall my life has been all about smiles and cuddles....and lots of dirty diapers lol I am so happy, Cameron has brought me back to life in a way he will never know, he has restored my faith that good things do come to good people, and he has brought Eric and I even closer. I absolutely love my new little family, and all the happiness that is finally back into my life!

our first family photo 10.22.11

10.12.11

So here we are, October and I'm 9 months pregnant! It seems to have come here so fast, I can't believe how close we are to getting to meet our little boy. I had hoped that yesterday we would find out our induction date, but we didn't. I still hope to be able to go into labor on my own prior to whatever date they give me anyways, but it would just be nice to know the possible day he may be born, I'm a very impatient person!!


Over the weekend I turned 25, so weird! When I was younger and thought of the age 25 I thought of someone much older than what I look/feel. I know it's not really an old age at all, it is just crazy how fast life goes by. I must say though, looking to where I thought I would be at this age, I'm pretty happy with the way my life has turned out. I have an amazing husband, whom I have been married to for almost 2 years, and together for 6 1/2, I have a beautiful daughter up in heaven that guides and protects me, a handsome son growing strong and healthy each day inside me, a princess puppy girl, and an amazing supportive family (who I miss so much!) My life has certainly been put through some difficult obstacles, many of which no one will ever have to face, let alone at such a young age. While at times I get angry for what I have had to go through, it has shaped me into the person I am today, a person I am proud to be.


On Friday I will be 37 weeks pregnant, for those unaware it was at 37 weeks that my precious daughter Isabella left this world and became an angel. I have been having a lot of mixed emotions and flashbacks, I am so blessed to have this beautiful life inside me now, but I would give anything to have both of my children. We have a 3 bedroom house and lately I look into our spare room and get so angry that it's not her room right next to her brothers, losing a child my family will never be whole. While we will live a great and happy life, and focus on the positives, there will always be a big part of us not here. 


Eric and I went to a Bible study with a friend last week, both of us just feel like we need a little faith back in our lives. While some people grow closer to God during tragedies, for us we did separate for awhile, just angry at what happened and not understanding why we would be put to such a low point. While I still hate when they say "she is in a better place" because for me no better place is then here with us, I am coming to terms with the fact there is a bigger plan for her, more than she could have done here, which has already been proven by the fact Eric was held back from Deployment, I truly believe she was behind his injury and us being together as a family throughout this pregnancy. I have so much faith in her that she is guiding over us and her little brother, and I thank her everyday.


I ask for anyone reading this to keep us all in your prayers these next few weeks. I can't wait to be blogging about the joys of motherhood! 

8 months!!

Wow, can't believe I'm already 8 months el prego!!! We found out when I was 3 1/2 weeks pregnant so that's a long time!! That was such a crazy day, such a rush and mix of emotions, so glad I have pictures to capture that moment too :)

I went for my first NST yesterday (Non-stress test) you just go in and they hook you up and listen to the babies heart rate, and checking on how it fluctuates and the babies movements. Of course he decided it was nap time, but they had to wake him up with this zapper thing, his heart rate went from 132-157 in a second, then he went crazy and it even went up to 170 at one point, my poor boy!! I'm so grateful to be monitored I will be going for these twice a week, I had a bittersweet moment in there just wishing these were standard and that I had one with Bella, even though they think she turned into her cord overnight you never know, I try not to go into the what-if's but sometimes you just can't help when your mind wanders.

It's crazy that September is almost half-way through, I can't believe in a few weeks I will be turning 25!!! So crazy, Eric keeps telling me I'm almost 30 real nice!! It's funny now on facebook so many of the people I went to high school with are either already married, have kids, pregnant, or getting married, shows we are all growing up!

I'm just sitting here waiting on our stupid "maintenance guys" to show up and finish our bathroom, they are so irritating, never give you a time, barely answer the phone, and takes them forever to get stuff done. They are just some joe shmoe handy men, so they lack professionalism. When we moved in we had them replace our cabinet/vanity/sink and they still need to sand part of the wall around that, they did this back in March! But I've been on our property mangers case about it, and now they are working on our tub. Yesterday one of the guys came over and just took down the walls of the shower and the tile, so right now there is just a mess of scraps all over that half of the bathroom. He is supposed to come by today with the trailer to get it out of here and put up dry walls, well tick tock it's already 1!! It sucks because we only have 1 shower so we need to go over to the Ciliano's and use theirs, I just hope this isn't like a long dragged out project I have a bad feeling it will be!! Oh well at least we will have a nice new tub at the end of it all! 

Ok well that's all for now!! 

Mocha hopped up on my lap while I was sitting in my new glider (thanks Meg and Robyn!) so I grabbed the boppy and we rocked hahah she will always be my first baby!

Day of Hope

Today is August 19th International Day of Hope, a day that was started 3 years ago to break down the walls on pregnancy/infant loss. Many people suffer in silence, and don't speak about their babies. Thankfully when it comes to my Isabella I am an open book. I know so many people are afraid to ask or bring her up, while I don't always like retelling my story, I appreciate when people sincerely want to know... not people being nosey, that happened a lot when we first met her, my inbox/friend requests went through the roof just people hoping that by stalking my page they could find out.


On the subject of Isabella, I would like to say I am so so proud of my amazing hubby, he has felt the need to be strong for far too long and held a lot in. And he is now taking the steps he needs to heal, it warms my heart :) he even came with me to my support group yesterday and opened up! It was nice too their was another guy there for him to talk to, because in this situation men and women grieve very differently. 


This week I helped my mom book her flight down here in November I am SOOOOOO excited, can't believe she is flying for the first time in over 30 years! All for me....well the baby and me hahah this is the longest stretch I have ever gone without seeing her, and I hate it as much as she does. Can't wait til 2013 and to move back home!!! I always used to dream of moving away from RI, but living away I realized I love my itty bitty state and I love that my entire family is all in one location! 


Oh and 29 weeks today!! This pregnancy is FLYING by!! I feel like just yesterday we found out, I can't wait to schedule my induction and can really start the countdown! I'm so glad he will be born  in October, it is the best month of the year to be born in ;) It's still funny to me I will have a little Texan baby, never in a million years would I have thought that especially coming from RI!!!


Well, that's all I got for now.....in honor of today I will Re-post my story, even though it is here on an older blog....*WARNING* it is sad, and for those of us who had to live it may make you really sad, but for anyone curious this is what happened, it helped me a lot to share my store...and remember to all my pregnant friends...KICKS COUNT AND ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT!!!!  xoxox
http://facesofloss.com/2010/08/180.html#more-180

My baby girls beautiful feet taken by NILMDTS.....I have tons of gorgeous pictures of her, but those I only share with people who are really close to me